A Satyrical Retelling
by ecksdee
Summary: Pay attention to the title.  I got bored, and a friend and I discussed the ramifications of poor spelling in odd places.


A Satyrical Retelling

6 months after the conception of John the Baptist, the Lord sent the angel Gabriel to the town of Nazareth in Galilee with a message for a young woman, a virgin, named Mary. She was engaged to Joseph from the family of King David. The angel greeted Mary and said, "You are truly blessed! The Lord is with you."

Mary was confused by the angel's words and wondered what they meant. Then the angel told the 14-year-old girl "Don't be afraid! God is pleased with you, and you will have a son. His name will be Jesus. He will be great, and he will be called the Son of God Most High. The Lord God will make him king, as his ancestor David was. He will rule the people of Israel forever, and his kingdom will be without end."

Mary then asked the angel, "How can this happen? I do not yet know the touch of man!"

The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come down to you, and God's power will come over you. So your son will be called the holy Son of God. Your relative Elizabeth is also going to have a son, even though she is old. No one thought she could ever be with child, but in three months she will have a son. Nothing is impossible for God!"

Mary then said, "I am the Lord's servant! Let it happen as you have said."

The angel replied, "However, there is something you must do in order to allow your body to accept the Lord's son."

"But nothing is impossible for the Lord! How can this be?"

"Your mortal frame simply cannot handle the son of God without a little preparation."

"What must I do? I am the Lord's servant, I will do anything to serve Him."

"First, you must steal into the temple. While it is a sin, the Lord will forgive you since it serves his higher purpose. Once you are in the temple, you must find the wine. The rabbi there keeps a bottle of wine near the sacrificial altar. This wine is most blessed, and is the only wine that will act as an appropriate vessel for the Lord's seed. "

"But if I get caught?"

"Fear not, for the Lord has ensured your safety! No harm will come to you. God will protect you with his love."

"Is there anything else I must do?"

"You must bring a goat with you. This will require a sacrifice. Everything else can be found in the temple."

"It shall be done. Guide me, and God shall have his Son by me."

Mary moved quickly under cover of dark in order to obtain the goat she needed. A local goat farmer had several goats sleeping, and she picked the biggest one she saw. She tied a strip of leather around its neck, and holding the other end, led the drowsy goat into the temple. The temple guards were fast asleep. Once inside, Mary spoke "I am here, O messenger of God! I brought the goat, and I found the wine! What is the Lord's bidding?"

Gabriel appeared before Mary once again. "Hail Mary! Full of Grace! The Lord is with you! Or, rather, he will be shortly. Now, uncork the bottle of wine, and drink a cupful."

Mary did as she was commanded. She slowly uncorked the bottle of wine, and found a nearby cup, and filled it to the brim with the red wine. She drank it in one continuous gulp, and began to get tipsy. "Is this enough, message ghost of God?"

"Not yet, Mary, but we are making progress! Pour yourself another cupful, and drink."

"But if I drink much more, I will pass out. Last time I drank this much, I couldn't remember what happened."

"The Lord will protect you! Now, drink."

Mary clumsily poured herself another cupful of wine, accidentally spilling some. The goat next to her didn't notice the new red stain on his fur as he was fast asleep. Mary lifted the cup to her lips, and looked at the angel, her eyes glazed over. She drank the wine as quickly as she could, and immediately fell down and giggled drunkenly.

"Well done Mary! Your body is now prepared to receive the Lord! Pull yourself onto the altar, and lead the goat onto the altar with you. Only the altar is holy enough to ensure the proper transmission of God!"

Mary put her hands on the altar, and pulled herself up. She stopped for a moment as a wave of nausea came over her. It passed after a minute, and she climbed onto the altar, lying on her stomach and using her arms as a pillow. "Izzdisrite?"

"Pardon? Oh, yes. That's right. Well, almost. You need to strip. The Lord requires you be nude for the transmission of his Son."

Mary, too drunk to protest anything else, pulled off her clothing and tossed it aside, and resumed lying on her stomach on the altar. Giggling, she said "Godwurksfunnie."

"Indeed, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, awaken the goat, but gently! You don't want to anger him. Then you need to get on your knees."

Mary poked the goat a few times in the side to no avail. Then, in frustration, she tugged the first thing she could grab onto and began pulling. The goat immediately woke up, and drowsily looked around in confusion. Mary smiled, then got onto her knees.

"No, Mary, I mean, your upper body can stay as it was, you just need to raise your hips by getting on your knees."

"Lyk-dis?" Mary said as she bent over.

"Yes, perfect. The Lord is pleased."

The goat was happy with what he saw. After all, he was woken up by having his genitals tugged on, and he was aroused. As soon as Gabriel finished speaking, the goat jumped on Mary and began thrusting. Once he found his way in, he began pumping as quickly as he could. After 5 minutes, he was done, and immediately went back to sleep.

"Oh, yes. Yes. The Lord is Pleased! Behold, God's seed has been planted! Now, Mary, go back home to sleep."

Mary rolled off the altar. She stumbled back to her little hut, and immediately fell asleep. She woke up the next morning sore and with no recollection.

Behold the word of the Lord.


End file.
